I promised you, always
by Anotherhumanbeing
Summary: It's going to be a long night. A restless one. He doesn't know how he will move on from here. How he will continue to live without her in his life. But he will try, he will try to honor her , to keep her memory alive every day. Because for him she never died. She still lives in his heart. Two years after everything will change.
1. Chapter 1

He watches as they lower her coffin into the ground, watches as they bury her body, watches as they take her away from him once and for all. His family is with him, Martha and Alexis at his sides, holding his hand. His friends, people from the precinct are there too honoring her memory. He still remembers the day she died in front of him, in his arms. It was supposed to be over, her mother's case, she and Bracken. But he came after them again, sent people to his loft to kill them. She got shot protecting him, them.

A tear runs down his cheek and he doesn't bother to wipe it away.

_''I love you, I love you Castle''_ were her last words.

It was the first time she told him she loved him and at the same time the last one. He doesn't know how he will be able to move on. To forget her and continue his life.

No, definitely not forgetting her.

Never.

She will be in his heart forever.

Always.

He had promised it after all. He had also promised he would keep her safe, he failed. He failed to protect the love of his life.

_''It's not your fault, Rick. Please, please don't cry''_

The doctors announced her dead one hour after the brought her to the hospital. He cried that night. He went home and sobbed into her pillow like a little boy.

_''Always, Rick. Always''_

He didn't want to attend her funeral. It was too much for him. Too much for him to take. But here he is now along with many others. Except that one is missing. Her father, Jim couldn't stand the news. He had lost his wife and now his daughter. He had died one day before the funeral.

_''Don't leave me, Kate''_

''Richard?'' his mother asks, touches her son's cheek.

''I'm fine mother'' he replies.

''It's over, honey. Let's go home'' he looks around and realizes that it's over indeed. People are leaving or saying there last goodbyes.

''Go home. I will come later'' he says, his voice cracked and broken.

His mother understands the need of him to stay a little longer. She takes Alexis and they head for the car leaving Castle alone in front of the new grave. He takes a few steps closer, stands over it and closes his eyes for a brief moment before he opens them again. It's not a dream. It's real and she is gone.

''I promise you'' he whispers ''I will always love you Kate. Only you. Always'' a thunder cracks the sky and rain starts falling.

He looks down one more time.

''Always''

His footsteps are heavy, his pace slow towards his car, tears rolling down his face along with rain drops. He gets into his car, turns on the radio and drives off towards his loft. It's going to be a long night. A restless one. He doesn't know how he will move on from here. How he will continue to live without her in his life. But he will try, he will try to honor her , to keep her memory alive every day. She deservers it. He wishes he could go back in time and change everything that happened that night. If someone had to be shot he would happily take her place.

But for him she never died. She still lives in his heart.

* * *

Two years later two black jeeps are outside of the New York City, two women get out and look around.

''It's over'' one of them says ''You can make a new start''

The other shrugs ''I will try''.

''Good luck, Kate''

She will need it.

**Tell me what you think, should I continue it or not? Marked as complete.**

**Reviews are welcome and as always have a nice day!**


	2. Chapter 2

**After all I wrote another one. Still not sure though. Please tell me what you think.**

He wakes up and it's still dark outside, with eyes still closed he searches for her body under the covers but she's not there, he always makes the same mistake. Fours years have passed since her funeral and he still seeks for her warmth, her body, her beautiful hair when he wakes up.

It's something he can't forget.

Can't erase from his mind.

He turns his body and lays on his back, arms tucked under his head as he stares at the ceiling. Images of her come into his mind, her smile, the way her lips brushed against his, the way she arched under him when they made love, their kisses and caresses every morning.

Things he won't do again with her.

He swings his legs out of the bed and stands up, rubs a hand over his face to get rid of the sleep. He sighs as he looks around in the room, photos taken while they were together and doing fun things are now placed everywhere, on every furniture.

It's crazy, he knows that but it helps him, makes his day better when he wakes up every morning and looks at one of them, remembering her face, his Kate.

It brings a smile on his face.

He buttons the last button of his shirt and walks out of his bedroom towards the kitchen. He hasn't drunk coffee since the day she died.

It reminds him of her. Of the mornings he went to the precinct and brought her coffee just to see that dazzling smile.

The smile he will no longer see in his life. He takes a few sips of water and puts the glass down.

Sometimes he can hear her voice or see her face on a random woman passing the road in front of him. Many times he had stopped them in the middle of the street just to see if it's her.

_''Kate?''_

_''No, sorry, you confused me with someone else''_

_''No, but I could give you my number''_

It's funny. He hasn't dated any other woman since that day. No other woman fills his heart the same way she did. Not with words or being good in bed. Just with her face, her expressions, her smiles and every flaws and assets she had.

He grabs his phone from his pocket and dials her number. Still saved in there.

_''Hello, you've reached Kate Beckett. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message'' _a small pause _''If it's you Castle, I will see you at your loft later. So stubborn'' _he chuckles.

She had added that message because he usually called her every one hour to check on her when she went at her apartment from time to time.

He puts the phone back in his pocket and heads for the door. Ready to visit her new home again, as every morning.

Her grave.

People tell him to forget. To move on.

He can't. He's unable to just forget. To say that she was just another woman to his bedpost. Another date.

No, she wasn't.

She was the love of his life. She was his feature. He wanted to propose to her. To marry her and have kids. To grow old together in a small house as their children make their own feature.

So many dreams.

Dreams that won't come true after all the things they went through. After every demon and monster they fought. A bullet took everything away.

He sighs as he parks his car outside of the cemetery. Suddenly, his body too heavy to be carried by his legs towards her tomb.

He knows where to go without any help.

His hand is holding a red rose, her favorite. He always brings one with him every time he comes.

He kneels in front of her grave and places the rose there, his hands comes up to touch the carved letters. One word was written under her name and the dates.

_''Always''_

Their word.

A tear escapes from his eye and falls on the grass.

It's so unfair.

Unfair for her to have died like that and unfair for him to live without her.

So fucking unfair.

''Why'' he yells ''Why did you leave me Kate'' more tears make their path down his face and to the ground as he continues to yell the same thing over and over again.

A few people that are there turn around to look at him, they don't comment though, they know how it feels to lose one of your beloved ones.

He sniffs, clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair. He grips the top of the grave, gives it a pat and stands up on his feet. He can feel someone watching him other than the people around him. Someone familiar. He spots someone thirty meters away from him, standing next to a tree. He can clearly see it's a woman, her brown hair waving as the wind hits her face and hides it from him. He knows that hair, he knows those legs and body.

It's her.

It's definitely her. It must be.

He wants to run, get to her, see who she is but his legs can't move. They don't co-operate with his brain.

And then he realizes something.

What if it's a trick his mind is playing on him right now?

What if she's just an illusion, a fake image his brain created for him. He stares at the woman as she ducks her face, a small smile forming on her lips.

The smile she had.

No, it's not possible. It's not her.

She then raises a hand, waves at him and then turns around and vanishes.

''Damn it'' he curses ''Damn you brain'' he repeats. He sighs again, glances one more time at her grave.

''Goodbye, Kate. I will see you tomorrow again. Always'' he promises and then leaves.

He arrives at his loft and finds his daughter there along with Jenny and Ryan's son.

''Alexis'' he smiles ''Johnny boy!''

''Hey, dad'' Alexis gives him a kiss on his cheek ''I brought Johnny here to keep you some company'' she points at the young boy sitting in front of the TV watching Tom and Jerry chasing each other.

''Emma will come in a few minutes to help you'' Alexis informs him. Emma is John's baby-sitter ''I need to go. See you later, dad'' he hugs his daughter before she leaves and he comes to sit next to John as the four-years old kid laughs as Jerry hits Tom's paw with a hammer and he squirms in pain. He can't help but smile too.

''Funny, isn't it?'' he asks and John nods in response, turns happily at Castle and gives him a hug.

''Can we play some play-station too later, uncle Castle?'' the boy mumbles.

''Sure, buddy'' someone is knocking at the door and Castle gets up. He opens it and the color leaves from his face. He almost faints.

''Kate?'' he whispers.

''Hey, Castle'' she says and he stumbles backwards.

**Reviews are welcome! **

**Tell me what you think of the second chapter and if you want another one. **

**And as always, have a nice day!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I just love angst, don't you? Well...too bad 'cause this is angsty! Hehe, can't help it sorry...**

She was living under the name of Angela Rollins since she came back to New York. The FBI decided it would be better for her to have a different name for her own safety, at least for a couple of years before returning back to her old life.

But could she really do that? Return to everything she left behind her all those years ago.

Four years passed since the day she supposedly died. She still remembers the horror on Castle's face when the men came inside his loft and fired at them. The look he had when she bled to death into his arms. By the time she woke up in the hospital, she could hear screams coming outside of the room, his screams, his cries, his pleads to come in and see her. Agent Shaw was at her side, comforting her, helping her through all this. Through the nightmare she lived. The battle she had to win. They told her she needed to come with them. To put an end to this case. She had refused, of course. She wanted to go back to Castle but then they showed her photos. Photos of her and Castle being together, a red cross over Castle's head and hers. The fight was not over so she accepted to go with them and finish this to keep them safe and most of all to keep him safe.

She can say now that's over. Over for once and for all.

Today is the day, today she will try to get her life back. She wants to go to him, hug him, kiss him, apologize for all the pain she caused. For the big mess she made. But she is afraid, afraid that he won't want her back in his life. And damn right, he has every right to do that.

She saw him in front of her grave, how broken he was, how scared and fragile he looked. And when he glanced up and looked at her standing there, she wanted to run to him but she couldn't, not yet. So she waved at him and smiled because it was the first time she saw him in years and then she left.

She is sitting in her car now, outside of the building he's living in. She opens the door and walks inside, says hi to the doorman who's looking at her like she is a ghost. She takes the stairs instead of the elevator and quickly she gets to his floor, she sees a young woman getting out of his loft and realizes that it's Alexis. She smiles as the other woman passes next to her, then pauses looks back at Kate and then shakes her head as she rushes downstairs.

Her hand hovers over the door, ready to knock but she hesitates.

Come on, Kate. You've got this.

She knocks two times and watches as the door opens and Castle stands in front of her. He hasn't changed, much. Sure, he has lost pounds, worked out. His face remained the same, those beautiful eyes she had missed so much are staring at her widen.

''Kate?'' he wonders surprised. His heart stops in his chest when she speaks.

''Hey Castle'' she says casually, like nothing has changed, like she didn't leave for four fucking years. He trips on his own feet and stumbles backwards, thankfully he grips the doorway and keeps himself upright. His jaw clenches, his teeth grit, his mouth opens but he says nothing back. He's unable to form any words. He closes his eyes, maybe it's another illusion, the same as the one at the cemetery. He opens them again but she is still there.

Why is she still here?

''You're dead'' he exclaims ''You're supposed to be dead. Oh god, I'm getting crazy!'' he throws his arms up in the air and then runs a hand through his hair.

''Castle, look at me'' he does ''I'm not dead'' his eyes are stinging, tears threatening to come out again.

''You died in my arms! You bled to death in front of me. You died because of me!'' he yells at her. She raises her hand to touch him but he avoids it and she lets it fall back at her side. She sighs. This is exactly what she was afraid of.

''It was fake. Okay? My death was faked'' she explains. He stops then. Looks up at her with a blank expression on his face. He laughs. He feels bad for doing it but he laughs in her face.

''You faked it?'' he repeats. She nods.

''For all those years, I thought you were dead but you were alive'' his voice is calm, she nods again ''For all those years, I've been mourning you every day, I've been crying every night and you were alive'' he yells ''Do you know how I felt to know that you died because of me? How I felt you when you were dying in my arms? Do you Kate?'' he spits her name like it burns on his tongue ''No, no you don't! You don't know how heart-broken I was''

''Rick'' she can't take this anymore ''Please stop'' she begs.

''Do you know how many people you hurt with your actions? Many. You killed your own father, Kate. He's dead!'' She looks up at him shocked. She didn't know that her father had died.

''He couldn't stand the news, he died from heart attack. Why, Kate? Why did you do this to us, to me?'' he asks, suddenly realizing he's been crying and so she is.

''I had to'' she snaps ''I had to protect you. Just let me explain. Please'' she pleads him. He shakes his head.

''I don't need excuses'' he tells her ''Just one thing. Whatever you were doing while you were dead was related to your mother's case, wasn't it?''

''Yeah'' she whispers. She had promised him she was done with that case. No more searching, no more digging after making a deal with Bracken ''Let me explain'' she says again. He needs to understand. She didn't want this, she didn't want to disappear.

''It is easier to accept that you are dead than this'' he points between them with this finger ''I'm sorry, I can't do it''

''No, Rick, please'' she runs to him but he pushes her back gently. Shudders when he touches her. It's been so long.

''Please what Kate? You think you can come back into my life like nothing happened? You can't do that. I thought you loved me, Kate. I thought we promised we wouldn't hurt each other again. You betrayed me. You lied to me'' he's being cruel to her, throws every bad thing he can say to hurt her. He's angry. He trusted her. He loved her with all his heart and she grabbed it from inside his chest and cut it into million pieces with her actions.

''Please'' she begs him over and over again. He doesn't listen.

''Does it feel better knowing you have killed your mother's murderer but have lost your partner?'' this was the last thing she needed to break. She falls on her knees, hands coming up to wipe the tears that constantly run down her cheeks.

''I'm sorry'' she offers. He just looks down at her in disgust.

''Me too'' he slams the door shut behind him as he enters in his loft again.

He should be happy for her being alive. He isn't.

He was hurting all those years for a lie, for a faked death. He bangs his fist into the door and hears a muffled sob coming from outside. His hand almost turns the doorknob, he stops it. He needs some time.

A lot of time.

Maybe they were right, he needs to move on.

But now it's too late for that.

* * *

She grabs a pen and a paper from her bag. If he doesn't want to listen to her, he will read what she needs to say.

_Rick, _

_You have no idea how sorry I am for doing this to you. I understand why you hate me, I hate myself too. You need to understand though, I did it for us. The FBI came into my room and forced me to go with them and finish the case. They showed me pictures that belonged to Bracken, photos of us with a red cross over our head. I had to do it. I'm sorry. So very sorry. I wish I could take all the hurt I caused you back. All this time away from you was a living hell for me. I wanted to call you every day, but they stopped me. Said it's better nobody knew I was alive. Better for me and better for them. I understand why you don't want to hear me out. Don't worry, I don't hate you. I never will. Maybe it's time for you to move on. Forget me, Castle. I only cause you hurt and pain. Find someone better. It's easier to accept that I am dead, so forget me coming to see you, believe I am buried in that coffin. I will be in one soon so it won't be that hard. I will visit two people I missed very much. I love you._

_Goodbye, Castle._

_Always. _

She folds the letter, pushes it under the closed door, mutters a silent apology against it and then leaves.

* * *

He hears her, sees something being pushed under the door and realizes it's a paper. He takes it in his hand, sits next to John at the couch. The four-years old is sleeping peacefully. He opens the paper and reads what she wrote. His heart breaks. Maybe he was too hard on her. But four years, four years of sadness and pain for nothing. He's still angry, he starts to understand though. He knows she would do everything to keep him safe.

What if he was in her place? He would surely do the same to protect her. He continues reading until he reaches the part with her being in a coffin soon.

What does that suppose to mean?

Oh god, don't tell me she will -

Shit shit shit.

He grabs his coat and heads for the door.

''Mister Castle'' Emma greets him. He thanks the spirits for her great timing.

''Stay with John, I must go'' he tells her over his shoulder as he runs as fast as he can. He must go to her apartment. He learned her old one was taken by an Angela something... it must be her. He gets in his car, prays that he's not late.

* * *

She sits at her chair in front of her office. Photos of them in front of her, Castle and her, her father and her, her mother and herself. She misses them. She will never forgive herself for doing that to her father. It was true, she killed him. She vanished and made him believe she was dead.

She doesn't deserve to live.

The gun is heavy in her hand, the cold steel burns against her fingers. She cocks it, puts it to her brain.

''I'm sorry, Castle'' she murmurs.

_Bang_

**So, tomorrow is my birtday...must find a good gift to buy for myself. Black ops 2 anyone? nope...**

**Reviews are welcome! So write me one...**

**Tell me what you think of this chapter or if you want another one. ****The end or not?**

**He he he...Thanks for the feedback, guys!**

**And as always, have a nice day! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Nobody likes angst here...or Kate dead. So, here you go everybody a so sappy chapter...nah...no angst, no fun. Enjoy...I will be over there preparing something really sad... Sorry. I am a little bit crazy after the party. I think the cake had something inside...**

He can feel the skin between his knuckles break as he continues pounding on the door. He doesn't stop though. He hopes he isn't late, he hopes that when he opens this door he won't find her lying on the floor with a bullet in her head. He bangs again.

''Open the door, Kate'' he yells desperately.

Nothing.

He takes a few steps back, ready to break down the door. But then it opens and Kate is standing in front of him. He doesn't think, he just runs to her and pushes her against the opposite wall, his mouth on hers as he pours everything he feels in one kiss. His hands roam over her sides as he sucks on her bottom lip.

''Don't'' he murmurs against her lips ''Don't do it'' he pleads. He sees with the corner of his eye the gun laying on the desk.

Thank god he came in time.

She looks at him with tears in her eyes. The love in his eyes surprises her. Thirty minutes ago he was yelling at her, saying he hated her and here he is now kissing her.

''Why not?'' she asks him, their noses touch each other and he smiles, cups her face with his hands.

''Because I love you'' he tells her and steals another kiss from her lips ''I love you'' he repeats. The corners of her mouth twist up and a small smile forms on her lips too.

He sighs in relief. Maybe he will win her back.

''I'm sorry'' she says and wraps her arms around his neck, buries her face in the crook of his neck ''Sorry for everything'' she places an open-mouthed kiss on his soft skin. She had missed him so much all those years away from him. He did too. He almost lost her again because of his behavior this time.

''It's okay'' he assures her. It will be.

''I had no choice'' she explains. The memory of her being in a hospital bed, injured with agents around her saying that he would die if she didn't go with them it's still fresh in her mind.

''I understand'' his arms snake around her back and pull her flush against him.

He can't forget the pain he felt, how broken he was the time she was away, but he will try to make a new start with her, both will. They will leave all this hurt behind.

''Take me to bed, Castle'' she whispers in his ear ''I've missed you'' she nibbles his ear and he groans. It feels good to have her back in his life. It feels good to be able to touch her again, to kiss her, to be able to feel her breath against his skin.

He obeys and scoops her up in his arms, pushes the door closed with his leg and heads for her bedroom. He doesn't look at the gun as he passes her desk, can't bear the image of her on the floor dead. He places her gently on the mattress and removes his shoes and socks as he falls on top her. He gets rid of every piece of clothing she's wearing and she does the same to him. He sees new scars on her body, but it's not the time to ask her about them. He will demand their story later. Now he touches them, kisses them as he explores her body and she moans under him, asks for more. She does her part too, turns them around and gives what she received before and much more. She had hurt him and it's time to fix what she ruined. She had ruined him, his life, their life. He turns them over again and she spreads her legs as he pushes himself inside her and thrusts his hips on hers, rides them to their peak until she squirms under him and he falls boneless on top of her chest. He kisses her again on the lips, her cheeks, her jawline, her neck and then he falls on his side still tucked inside her.

''Thank you'' he tells her and pulls her closer as she snuggles up against him.

''For what?'' she asks, fingers playing with the little hair on his chest. He looks down at her, pure love being showed in his eyes.

''For coming back'' he replies, a bright smile across his face.

''Always'' his smile brightens even more at her promise. It's only one word but it can fix everything, it can heal all wounds, old and new.

He grabs a blanket and covers both of their naked bodies, sighs happily and looks up at him, sees him staring back at her.

''What?'' she asks and he chuckles, plants a kiss on the bridge of her nose and she closes her eyes.

''Nothing'' he says back ''I just love you'' he states simply, his hand caressing her bare shoulder as it goes up and down ''So very much'' he adds.

She wants to cry and laugh at the same time. After all this pain she caused him he still loves her. She places a kiss on his chest over his beating heart, hides her face from his view in the crook of his neck again as she climbs higher on the bed.

She stays silent for a minute.

He closes his eyes, doesn't expect to hear anything else but then he feels her lips on his ear.

''I love you too'' she mumbles, grins as his eyes shoot open along with his mouth. She covers it with her hand ''Go to sleep, Rick'' he hums against her fingers and closes his eyes again, she does too. They let sleep take over them for now.

He hopes the next time he wakes up that all this won't be a dream.

**Or it will be?**

**Reviews are welcome! **

**As many of you wanted...all, I mean...anyway, Kate didn't die. Do I deserve a review at least for that? Hm?**

**And as always, have a nice day!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Oh no, where is she? Where did she go? Where the heck is the gun? Ah, well...some angst in this chapter...I love it! Enjoy.**

The light of the sun passes through the open blinds of the window and hits him straight in the face, forcing him to wake up. He rolls to the left, then to the right, buries his face into the pillow but nothing changes, so he opens his eyes reluctantly, rubs them with his hands to get rid of the sleep. He was so tired and his muscles are still sore, he doesn't complain though.

Yesterday was a mind-blowing night. After they went to sleep he was woken up by somebody kissing his neck and chest a couple of hours later. He was startled at first but then remembered that she's here, she came back. He still can't believe it, can't believe she's alive and not in the coffin they buried four years ago. He's not sure if he should be happy or mad at her for being alive.

He sighs and turns his body around to her side, his hands seeking for her body under the covers but there is nothing. He's eyes widen and he jumps out of the bed in seconds searching for her. Her clothes aren't on the floor anymore.

He knows what happened during the night was not dream. He can smell her cherry-scent in the air.

He panics.

The door of the bathroom is open and he can see that nobody is inside. He quickly grabs his boxers, puts them on and rushes outside. He looks around in the small apartment and can't find her anywhere, not in the kitchen, not in the living room, not at her office.

He notices it then.

The gun isn't on her desk anymore. It's not where she left it when she opened the door to him.

''Kate?'' he yells and gets no reply.

He doesn't know what to do. He wants to call Ryan and Esposito but they don't know she's alive, they won't believe him if he tells them except if they see Kate with their eyes. He runs his hands through his already messy hair (by her hands) trying to think where she might have gone.

He doesn't know.

Damn it, Kate.

He wants to run outside and yell her name until she replies back, says she's okay.

Oh god, he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know.

Why is she doing this to him?

He scratches the back of his neck nervously, pacing around the room unable to keep still. He hears it then, the faint click of a key turning in the keyhole and turns to the door. It opens and Kate steps in holding two plastic bags from the grocery store. He lunges at her, pushes her against the closed door. The bags fall on the floor as her hands come up to grip his arms in order to steady herself.

''Hey'' she says softly, senses his worry ''What's wrong?'' she asks. He locks his arms around her back and pulls her to him.

''Rick?'' she whispers in his ear and he shudders. He thought he had lost her again.

''Nothing, just stay here'' he pleads, voice broken and full of emotion. She pulls away slightly to look at his eyes, her heart clenches at the sight of him in tears.

''Rick, please tell me what happened. Is something wrong?'' she uses her thumbs to wipe away the tears that have fallen from his eyes. He closes them, swallows hard and lets out a heavy breath.

''I woke up and you weren't there'' he explains as he opens his eyes again. She understands and hugs him tighter. Guilt takes over her. So much pain she has caused him and he's still here, by her side but she keeps hurting him.

''I'm sorry'' she tells him ''I'm so sorry'' she kisses his jaw ''I'm so sorry, Castle''

''The gun was missing'' he goes on ''I thought you would try to -'' he can't finish that sentence. It's too hard for him. Tears are in her eyes too now, and she cries with him.

He's wrong, she wouldn't try this again, to take her own life away. She had just put the gun back in its place, safe, far away from her and then went to the store to get some things to make breakfast. She's so stupid.

So stupid.

''I'm sorry'' she says again. He nods, accepts her apology and kisses the top of her head ''I wanted to buy somethings so we could make breakfast'' she adds.

''It's okay'' he repeats the same words from last night.

''Thank you'' she gives him a peck on the lips and he smiles, relaxes a bit.

''Just don't do this to me again okay?'' he says. She realizes he doesn't say this only for what happened now, he talks about the years she was away from him, for lying to him, for braking him.

''Never'' she promises.

He picks up the bags and they move to the kitchen. She starts taking the things she bought out of them and placing them to the place they belong while he's watching her. He wants to ask her what she was doing the time she was away, he wants some answers but he isn't sure if it's the right time to ask her. So he waits.

''Want some help?'' he asks.

She shakes her head and starts the coffee machine, takes two cups out and places them on the counter, after a couple of minutes she pours the hot liquid in them and hands one to Castle as she takes her own in her hands. They sit next to each other on the sofa, both sipping and humming as the time passes, an awkward silence hangs between them. So many things must be said but left unspoken. She needs to make the first move this time.

She places her cup on the coffee table and soon it's joined by his. She leans back and turns to look at him.

''You want answers'' she states simply. He doesn't say anything, just nods ''Fine. I will tell you what happened from the beginning'' she continues ''After that night at your loft, after I almost bled to death in your arms and you brought me to the hospital'' he stiffens at her words, his hands turned into fists on his knees as she speaks ''I woke up in the room and everything was white. To tell you the truth, I thought I had died but then I heard a woman's voice and saw Agent Shaw next to me explaining what had happened. I didn't really understand, the pain was too much. Then she told I needed to leave New York for some time. Days, months, years, she didn't know. She said I had to finish the case, to put an end or else people I loved would get hurt, especially you'' he's on the verge of tears again, she's not though.

She had cried so many times during their time apart that she didn't have any power to do it again ''I declined at first, then they showed me photos of you, of us, of you and Alexis. Those photos belonged to Bracken and they were labeled as targets needed to be executed immediately. After that I accepted. I could hear your screams you know, outside of my room. Yelling, crying, pleading'' he doesn't know where she finds the courage to sit down and tell him all this. He's already crying and they are just in the beginning ''I convinced myself it's for your own good, your own safety. They took me away from the city while I was still recovering and we went to one of the hidden offices of FBI. From there we found some more information to put Bracken behind bars, information about other murders he had done. We called him and arranged a meeting to struck a deal, that's when everything went so wrong. The deal was for us to give him the files and for him to leave us alone for the rest of our lives but he brought armed men with him and there was a shooting. Shaw and two other agents were injured and I was taken hostage'' he wants her to stop, he can't take anymore of this, she just goes on ''There were a lot of knives and guns at the place they took me'' she drags her blouse up, removes it and tosses it on the back of the couch.

He sees the scars again, on her back, on her arms, on her chest. Her fingers move on her side, skim over a scar, a straight line ''This was from Bracken himself'' she points at her stomach then, a bullet scar there along with two scars made by a knife ''This one is from the bullet that hit me here when they came here to kill us, the other two are from the time I was held hostage'' he puts his hand on her shoulder, encouraging to continue ''I was almost violated'' her voice gets shaky at that, she goes on though, she needs to tell him everything ''They just wanted to have fun. And I was so scared Castle. For the first time in my life I was scared of death'' he glances at her, tears streaming down his face and the blank expression on her face frightens him, she looks so empty, so lifeless.

''A couple of weeks later the FBI broke into the place they were holding me, Bracken escaped but they managed to put behind bars a lot of criminals, I couldn't go to the hospital because I was dead in the real world so they kept me hidden at one of their offices again. Three days later Bracken contacted us told us if we gave him the files he would let me alone but we weren't stupid. We prepared a team to ride with us, he did the same. There was a shooting again, many were shot and I had the chance to come face to face with him, look him in the eyes as I pulled the trigger and a bullet hit him in the forehead, and then another one and another one until the ammo was finished and Shaw put her hand on mine and took the gun away. I didn't feel happy or pleased, a little relieved maybe but nothing else. I wanted to see you, they told me not yet. So years passed until I had the chance to come to your doorstep. And that's the end of it'' She doesn't give him details, doesn't want him to suffer more and doesn't want to relive what had happened. The memories too painful to be remembered.

He opens his mouth, grits his teeth, closes it again. His jaw clenches. He doesn't know what to say to make it better, his mind runs over million thoughts, over the things she told him. He imagines her alone in a dark room, hurt, injured, vulnerable. He was in pain all those years and so was she.

''I'm sorry'' he hears her saying ''Sorry for all the pain I caused'' she adds. He raises his hand to touch her bare shoulder and she jumps, forgetting he's still here.

''Kate'' he whispers. She slowly turns her head to him as his arms wrap around her shoulders and he pulls her to him.

''It's okay now'' he says softly. She sniffs, tries to keep her eyes dry.

She fails. Tears run down her cheeks and he's there to wipe them away.

''It's okay'' he keeps telling her. Nobody is going to hurt her again. She nods against his chest, places a palm on his face as she pulls him down for a kiss. It's slow and tender, it's all she needs for now. A reassurance, a promise. He can feel her tears on his face, so much pain, so much hurt. He kisses her over and over again until her sobs stop.

''I had no idea'' he murmurs against her lips. She catches them again with her mouth for a last kiss before she settles back down on his lap, locks her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. He looks down at her, sees how small she is, how broken and his heart breaks a little more. All these scars will take time to heal, not only the physical, but the emotional ones too.

''I need to meet the boys and Lanie, tell them that I'm alive'' she says ''Will you come with me?'' she asks. He chuckles, what a stupid question, he would go with her even if she wanted to visit hell.

''Of course'' he replies and she smiles ''Lanie will probably kick your ass for hiding it from her'' he jokes. She laughs sadly at his bad joke.

They've still got a long way to go.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Soo...here's a new chapter. A little angsty, a little fun, I don't know. Please let me know what you think about it. Enjoy...**

She disappears into the bathroom to take a shower and he picks up his phone to call the boys. He doesn't know how to break the news to them, maybe they will think that he's just joking and playing with them or believe him and be mad at him and Kate. They would have every right to do that. They were in pain too, knowing they weren't going to see their boss again, their co-worker, their friend, their sister. Now she's back though, he hopes she keeps her promise and she won't leave him again.

''Ryan'' the detective announces himself on the phone.

''Hey, Kevin. It's Castle'' he replies.

''Oh, hey Castle. What's up?'' Ryan asks. Castle can hear Esposito saying something to his partner.

The day after the shooting at his loft Esposito was angry at him and he didn't know why. He knew he blamed him for what had happened to Kate. But still, it wasn't his fault. Both of them knew that. He was still furious with him though, saying he needed to protect her and not let anyone hurt her.

''Castle?'' Ryan repeats. He snaps out of his thoughts quickly and clears his throat.

''Yeah, sorry. Ehm, could we meet at my loft?'' Castle suggests ''You, Esposito and Lanie'' he adds. The Irish detective sighs and silence falls between them for a moment.

''Sure'' he answers at last ''But why?''

He doesn't know how to say it.

_Beckett is back._

_Beckett is alive._

_Beckett lied to us all._

_All of it was a fucking lie._

''Just to have dinner and talk'' he says instead.

''Okay. I will see you tonight then'' they end the call there.

It will hurt them like hell to see her back, just like it hurt him to find her at his doorstep. How close he came to loose her again.

How can he trust her after what she did?

And then the anger comes back inside him, hurt, pain, sadness, everything at once and it's too much to take. He tries to convince himself she won't leave again, she won't break him again. She won't ruin what they have.

''Rick?'' he softens at her voice, sees her as she comes through the door, a fluffy towel wrapped around her body. Her wet her falling around her shoulders.

''Hey'' he greets her, almost snaps. She notices it and comes to stand in front of him.

''Are you okay?'' she asks him, lifts a hand to stroke his cheek.

''Yes'' he lies, puts on a fake smile and closes his eyes at her caresses.

''Tell me the truth'' she insists. She lets her hand fall to her side.

He huffs.

''No, I'm not fine'' this time he snaps and curses himself as she takes a step backwards ''Sorry, just-'' he drops it and walks away from her, taking a seat on her bed ''I called Ryan, they will come to the loft later for dinner'' he informs her. She nods and lets the towel hit the ground as she grabs some clothes. He hisses at the sight of her scars, he has seen them a couple of times but it's still hard for him, even harder for her to look at them. Especially after the things she told him.

''I know they are not a nice view'' she laughs sadly ''Just need to find my blouse that's all''

''It's not that'' he protests. He doesn't find them ugly, nothing on her is ugly. She's the most gorgeous woman he's ever met. Those scars don't change anything.

''No need to lie'' she offers him a smile as she puts on her clothes.

''You did'' it flies out of his mouth before he can catch it and it hits her like a rock to the head. She stops her actions, one arm already sliding in the sleeve of her blouse and the other over her head. She stays like that for a moment, silent, still. He wants to punch himself, damn it Castle. He watches, prepares for her outburst but nothing happens. She just shakes her head and resumes her actions. The slight trembling of her shoulders gives her away though.

Okay, that's it. The little part inside him that is still mad at her breaks. He stands up, spins her around and wraps his arms around her, pushes her against his chest. She jumps slightly at his touch but then rests her head on his chest.

''I know you're still angry'' she tells him softly ''But please, try to forgive me'' she pleads him.

He presses a kiss on her forehead, his lips staying a little longer that necessary on her skin before he pulls away, bends down and looks her in the eyes.

''I'll try. I will'' she nods ''Sorry for that, I wasn't thinking'' she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, he takes it in his and uses his thumbs instead. She leans into his touch as he palms her face, a gesture so small yet it gives her courage. He kisses the corner of her mouth and then her lips as he claims her mouth.

* * *

They are in his kitchen, cooking, when they hear a knock on his door.

''I will get it'' he tells her and heads for the door. She's shaking in agony.

He turns the doorknob and a four years old kid runs into him, Ryan and Jenny follows him along with Lanie and Esposito.

''Hey John'' Castle picks up the young kid from the ground in a bear hug and then puts him down. The child just runs to the tv to play games on his Playstation as he welcomes the others.

''Hey guys'' Ryan and Jenny say hi back, Lanie just nods and Esposito growls at him, receiving a light smack from his girlfriend.

''Yeah, anyway'' Castle continues ''Before we eat dinner I want to tell you something'' he sees that their attention is elsewhere ''It's about Kate'' they look at him immediately.

''What?'' everybody asks at the same time.

''It's about her'' he says again.

She's hiding in the kitchen, out of their sight but she can still listen to their conversation. She saw the young child running towards the tv and can't decide if he looks more like Kevin or Jenny. She smiles, she would like to have a kid too.

Time to make her entrance.

''I know that you won't believe me when I say this, but you will'' they stare at him confused, waiting for some explanation ''She's alive''

The next thing he knows he's pushed against the wall. Esposito's fists are on his shirt, his face right into his.

''Don't make jokes about her'' he yells at him. Lanie and Ryan are trying to hold him back ''Did you hear me, writer boy?''

''Javi, stop'' the voice it's too similar to hers, he doesn't know why but he lets Castle and turns around. It's not possible for her to be her.

It's not.

Yet, here she is in front of them.

''Kate?'' Lanie whispers and runs to her friend. Her arms squeezing her too hard.

''Yes, it's me'' she says and wraps her arms around her best friend, she can feel Lanie's tears soaking her clothes ''It's me'' and then Ryan flies to her, followed by Jenny.

''Guys. Air. Please'' she begs them and they let her go. She speaks to the to the others but her gaze is locked with Javier's as he looks at her with his jaw hitting the floor.

''Javi'' she begins. He cuts her off with a raised hand.

''Don't'' he tells her ''Just don't''

He slams his door behind him as he exits from Castle's loft.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Kinda small but I hope it's good for ya all. **

Air, he needs air because he's imagining things that are not there, people who don't exist anymore, they are dead. She's dead. They buried her four years ago, he was one of the men who carried her coffin, the one to speak on behalf of her, the one to say the last goodbye before the earth swallowed her whole. She was his friend, his sister.

How could she lie to him? For once again he was betrayed from the people he cared about the most in his life and he just wants to learn why, no excuses, no lies, only the true reason. He might forgive her then.

He walks out of the building and looks around, spots his car a couple of feet away but doesn't go for it. He waits instead, he knows Kate Beckett. He knows that it's a matter of time before she gets out in the street as well, to find him.

He's not mistaken.

It takes her two minutes to open the door, one to come and stand next to him, half to make him turn around to look at her. And it hurts, it fucking hurts because he hadn't looked into those gorgeous hazel eyes for so long and he fights the urge to hug her. There is still forgiveness to be given, peace to be made.

She knows him too, he won't take bullshit as an excuse. She won't give him that to earn his trust again.

''Hey'' she simply says, folds her arms around her chest as the cool breeze of the night hits her body. Esposito's eyes never leave hers, he can see the guilt reflecting on them, the hurt, the sadness and loss.

She can do the same with his.

''Hey'' he says back and becomes silent for once more. She believes she can fix this, she will try at least.

''I'm sorry you know'' she begins and it feels like the first time she apologized to Castle, the memories are coming back; all bad and cruel and she can't bare this. It must be done though, in order to defeat this, to move on. ''I didn't want any of this to happen but I had no choice, Javi''

He shakes his head at her words.

''You need to understand. You know better than me how FBI works, they don't give you another choice and even if they did I wouldn't have taken it. Castle's life was in danger, his daughter's. Hell, everybody's life was in danger because of me and I couldn't let you guys get hurt. So, yeah. I decided to fake my death, to make you suffer and go through hell. And not a day goes by without thinking about it but I don't regret Javier'' her voice is strong and calm, it surprises both of them ''I don't'' her hands are made into tight fists, shoulders shaking and lips quivering.

Not because of the tears threatening to run down her cheeks, but from the exhaustion. She's tired. Tired of the fight she needs to give to stay alive every day.

The man says nothing, gives nothing other than his blank face.

''There is more'' she adds, nightmares that became reality and demons that became humans. She explains, describes what she went through, not for his pity, not for his forgiveness, only because he deserves the truth. In the end, she cries. It amazes her how much she cried this week, how broken she was and still is. There is no response from him yet. He keeps staring at her like she's going to disappear any second now and she wonders if he listened to what she was telling him.

''Javi?'' she calls him as she lifts her hand up to her face and wipes the tears with the sleeve of her blouse ''Javi?'' she repeats ''I'm sorry''

This time he sighs, lets out a frustrated breath and looks down.

''I still feel betrayed'' he puts his hand on her shoulder ''And hurt but I understand'' he offers her a small smile and that's enough for both of them.

''Thank you'' he nods and instead of returning his hand to his side he wraps his arms around her body and brings them closer. It's out of his character to hug people but Beckett is family.

''Do it again and I will kick your ass'' he warns her and she barks out a laugh.

''Noted'' she buries her face into his shoulder ''How about we go up to eat dinner?'' she asks him as they pull away.

''Sure''

* * *

Castle is tapping his foot impatiently on the floor as he waits for them to come back. He tried to stop her before, explain to her that maybe Esposito needed some time for himself but her stubbornness won. Maybe they managed to fix their ruined friendship. He hopes. The rest of the visitors are sitting in the living room. Ryan can't stop talking about how happy he is for Beckett being alive and well, along with Lanie and Jenny, their son is still not aware about what happened, focused only on the game he's playing.

He turns around when he hears voices coming from the hallway, pokes his head out of the door to see them walking towards the loft hand in hand and he's glad everything went well.

''Sorry for what I said before, bro'' Esposito tells him ''I was overwhelmed''

''No problem'' he smiles as the other man enters through the doorway and heads for the sofa ''Hey'' he murmurs at Kate as she rests her head on his chest.

''I've hurt them so much, Castle'' she admits ''How can I make it up to them, to you?'' she whispers unsure. He rubs her back with his hand, calming her down and she closes her eyes as she inhales his rich scent.

''Don't worry'' he has told her this many times ''It's gonna be okay'' he kisses her temple and she raises her head to stare at him.

''How can you be so sure?''

He covers her mouth with his and runs his tongue over her bottom lip as they share a kiss that leaves them breathless.

''_I promised you, always_'' he says ''And I mean it''

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